Perhaps you should speak with...

I've been dealing with a lot of typical office politics lately. There's a new release for one of our software products coming out soon, and much QA is commencing. And of course the blame game starts soon thereafter. Who implemented this? Whose idea was this? Who's responsible for this? Yadda, yadda, yadda.

In order to survive this without being fired, I've developed a set of phrases I use to reply to people instead of the real phrase that I was going to say initially.

(Note: Yeah, I probably stole this from somewhere a long time ago. Not sure where, but whatever. I think I may have posted this somewhere, at sometime before. But it applies so well for me at work right now that I just had to post it again.)

I say: "Perhaps I can work late."
Instead of: "And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?"

I say: "I'm certain that isn't feasible."
Instead of: "No fucking way."

I say: "Really?"
Instead of: "You've got to be shitting me."

I say: "Perhaps you should check with..."
Instead of: "Tell someone who gives a shit."

I say: "I wasn't involved in the project."
Instead of: "It's not my fucking problem."

I say: "That's interesting."
Instead of: "WTFuken?!"

I say: "I'm not sure this can be implemented."
Instead of: "This shit won't work."

I say: "I'll try to schedule that."
Instead of: "Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?"

I say: "He's not familiar with the issues."
Instead of: "He's got his head up his ass."

I say: "Excuse me, sir?"
Instead of: "Eat shit and die."

I say: "So you weren't happy with it?"
Instead of: "Kiss my ass."

I say: "I'm a bit overloaded at the moment."
Instead of: "Fuck it, I'm on salary."

I say: "I don't think you understand."
Instead of: "Shove it up your ass."

I say: "I love a challenge."
Instead of: "This job sucks."

I say: "You want me to take care of that?"
Instead of: "Who the hell died and made you boss?"

I say: "I see."
Instead of: "Blow me."

I say: "He's somewhat insensitive."
Instead of: "He's a prick."

I say: "She's an aggressive go-getter."
Instead of: "She's a ball-busting bitch."

I say: "I think you could use more training."
Instead of: "You don't know what the fuck you're doing."