It's performance review time here at my office. This year, my hatred of these reviews is at an all time high because of all the bullshit my company is putting into them. The thing I hate the most are the acronyms. The front of the review states that we are ONE LEARNing TEAM, and it breaks down each letter to mean something, like this:

One
Networked
Enterprise

Listen
Educate
Articulate
Research
Network

Transparency
Entrepreneurial Spirit
Accountability
Metrics focused on results

Give me a fucking break.

But alas, I can't just not do the review, since my job depends on it. But I can protest the stupidity and pointlessness of these things in my own subtle way. And I shall use their own methods to do so.

Section 1: Here I need to list the goals that were established for me last year and report on their progress. I had 4 goals from last year. Re-wording them a bit:

Convert PCTB calculable contract accounts and any other new accounts into Rate Builder.
Organize and expand the conversion team.
Create protocol for the transition of DRB conversion accounts into publishing maintenance accounts.
Keep gaining experience with SQL.

And using the first letter of each of those, it spells COCK.

Section 2: Here they have provided a list of 8 competencies, and I must rank myself and provide reasons for such ranking. So...8 of them. 8 letters. Take the first letter of each of my comments and you get ASSHOLES.

Section 3: Here I must provide examples of how I have developed additional competencies. I listed 4 examples, and they spell WANK.


This was the most fun I've had writing my performance review, ever!